I’ve recently become convinced that my wife has embarked on a deliberate campaign to fatten me up. I don’t know why, I certainly don’t need additional help but I can find no other explanation for her actions. Consider this.

The perfect amount

It’s the weekend, I’ve spent a grueling day exercising the dogs, writing this blog and printing 3D models. It’s time to relax. I go into the kitchen and see a bag of my favorite potato chips. I get a bowl and based on way too many years of experience eating potato chips, I pour out the perfect number of chips.

No, I didn’t count them but once poured, I set my expectations to this amount. With my expectations set, I know it’s the perfect amount. Just enough that I won’t go back for seconds and not so many that I’ll feel guilty when I finish them. Being a good husband, I ask my wife if she wants any and she says no.

On the way back to my desk, my wife intercepts me and takes two chips. Only two, it’s not the end of the world and it’s probably less than five percent of the total. I sit down to do some writing and my wife, having decided that you can’t eat just two comes back to my bowl for a few more chips. I growl.

Would you go back for only five chips?

We spend a lot of time making sure none of our dogs develop food aggression but I’m beginning to know how they feel. I poured out exactly the right amount, I offered my wife a bowl for herself and yet my wife is eating my chips. I’m left with three choices, let her continue and be chided when I go back for more chips or let her continue and finish the remaining chips with the knowledge that I was forced to consume less than the perfect amount I had measured out for myself and harbor an irrational desire to go back to the bag, knowing that if I go back I will take far more than the five chips my wife took. My third option is growl at my wife to let her know her behavior is not acceptable but we both know how badly that would go.

This practice is not limited to chips. It can happen with grapes, French fries, candy or anything served in multiple portions. I’m sure that the women reading this are already siding with my wife. In fact, I’ve heard this practice defended a number of times as a method of limiting their indulgence. If they don’t order a full portion, they won’t consume a full portion. They’ll mooch off of us to limit their intake.

I understand the theory but she’s failing to take into account the incredible amount of damage she’s doing to my own dietary concerns.

Ellie, a rescue houseguest, wondering if she will get to take part in the experiment

Prior this post, I poured a full bowl of round corn chips. As I consumed the chips, purely in the name of research, I counted each chip. In order to prevent counting errors I waited for time when my wife was absent. Now, based on scientific research, a full bowl contains approximately thirty chips. When my wife takes her five chips, she’s taking sixteen percent of the chips I allocated for my snack. Yes, I could add sixteen percent to the amount I initially take but somehow my wife senses that and punishes me by taking no chips.

I’ve tried turning the tables on her and stealing from her snacks but she snacks far less frequently than I do and when I do manage to steal some chips, she’s diabolically polite about sharing. Sometimes I think she’s actually happy sharing in order to reduce her portions, although I have noticed she draws the line at her imported chocolates.

Men of the world we must unite. We must let our spouses and girlfriends know we’re onto their insidious plot. This behavior at the expense of our health and mental well-being is no longer acceptable. Let this serve as a warning dear wife, before I resort to carrying around a sandwich bag with your five chips.

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